A great big chunk of my childhood was spent wishing I was a Power Ranger. Shit! I still wish I was a Power Ranger!  I used to get home from school and make sure that at 4:30 I was plopped in front of my TV ready to take on the day’s adventure.

When I was in the 5th grade, I got a low grade in a subject and my father tossed all my Power Ranger gear as punishment. Harsh, but he felt it would work. oddly enough every punishment i have ever received has had a reverse effect due my constant lack of respect for authority. Granted, it’s not a very Ranger like attitude but it’s one that amuses me.

Back to the point, a few weeks ago I went to the Mayhem concert and instead of driving home I crashed at Nichole’s. The next morning I awoke and we turned on the TV only to find re-runs of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. It was awesome and cheesy and poorly acted but so great to see! So we sat there watching these awesome episode while eating some of Ms. Ben’s Mom’s Carnitas Burritos.

It’s hilarious because in order to keep the kids of today entertained they have added a few extra colorful features to the vintage program that ruled my youth. For example in the episode we watched they added flourished designs of neon colors when someone on the program made a karate movement. Something I always found funny was how they made the African American ranger the Black Ranger and the Asian ranger the Yellow!

I was just happy to see the old gang on the tube again! I freakishly still remembered all the names of the actors who played the Power Rangers and their corresponding Zords.
Zords are giant robotic animals piloted by the heroes that fight giant villains.

So I have come to learn that there is an actual convention for nerds like me that still carry a candle for the Rangers that is held annually. It’s called Power Morphicon and is very cool sounding. It is now on my list of things to do.  I think it will be fun plus its a reason to take a trip.

I can’t wait to get my Droid X so I can get that Power ring tone I have always wanted.

I love Arizona. I have lived here and loved it here all my life! I love Arizona so much that it’s obscene. I even throw parties to commemorate its “birthday” called Statehood Day parties! 

But, as is life, sometimes what you love do things that confuse you.

So a few months ago Arizona went crazy after she turned 98 years old and went crazy with legislation.

Of the legislative acts, the one that received a good bulk of press was the controversial SB 1070. Here’s a bit of the law that drew fire.

…allows law officials to check a person’s immigration status under certain circumstances and authorizes officers to make a warrantless arrest of a person where there is probable cause to believe that the person committed a public offense that makes the person removable from the United States.

“Now how does one obtain this probable cause” is the question most should be asking themselves. I guess it’s by looking at the person and NOT racially profiling or something. Just look at someone and magically tell if they belong here in the U.S.!

The actual law which reads out like a shopping to-do list rather than a well constructed law left me puzzled as to why our law makers would put their stamp on such a silly document. To add further confusion, I don’t understand how the supporters are so gung ho for the law when if they read it, assuming they CAN read, they would see the basic problems with it.

But I figured it out! It’s really quite elegant in its simplicity.

So we needed help with border control and we weren’t getting as fast as we’d liked. Arizona writes and passes this CRAZY law with all kinds of wacky shit (but also sprinkled with some promise) that they say will “Do the job the feds can’t” that they KNOW are gonna piss people off and cause a stir.

So then the Federal Government steps in and tries to fix this wacky law and tosses out the silly stuff and keeps the good stuff. BRILLIANT!

…the Court cannot and will not enjoin S.B. 1070 in its entirety, as certain parties to lawsuits challenging the enactment have requested. The Court is obligated to consider S.B. 1070 on a section by section and provision by provision basis.

I was very disappointed when Arizona started all this mumbo jumbo, but I never really get involved in political discussion because you rarely change peoples minds in talks of that nature and the people arguing don’t really care about hearing the other person’s point.

NOW that I see the sill plan Arizona was up to the whole time! I can’t help but be impressed by Arizona’s cunning ways. Call me naive but I refuse to believe that our law makers don’t know what they are doing.

Today major sections of the law were blocked in court (leaving the law useless), but proving that the squeaky wheel does indeed get the grease!

Is it just me or does it seem some what wrong to send someone a card when a loved one dies?

Last night I had this discussion with a friend and with Sam (the checkout girl at Best Buy) and apparently this is a normal social function. 

Someone dies and then their friends send them cards showing their sympathy. It just seems like slap in the face to me.

Like when someone gets a shitty job and they get told, “Well, it’s a job!”

I know it’s a shitty job, sorry I’m not flying to moon and giving an alien a high five, which is incidentally on my list of things to do before I die along with eating at as many pizza parlors as I can and riding as many different roller coasters.

Point being, it just seems a little fucked up; sending me a card because my Uncle Juan died.

I have heard of food being brought to people but not cards. Perhaps I’m in the wrong, but I don’t want a morbid card that i have to display for any length of time. Call me or come see me but don’t send a card. Cards are reserved for birthdays, promotions, or beating Super Mario on one try.

But Kudos to Hallmark for capitalizing on the deaths of our loved ones like this. It’s like when Toby Keith capitalized on 9/11 with his song “Red, White & Blue.”

Bottom Line: Just send me a stripper and I’ll be fine!

___________________________________________________________________

Today’s blog is brought to us by the

N.A.H.A.A.
Native American Hookers
of America Association
“Check out our Nava-hoes!”

1-900-RED-GIRL

On Friday July 14, I was sitting at a bar called The Clubhouse celebrating my best friend’s surprise birthday party.  My phone beeped and I saw that I had an email.

Upon checking the email I learned that some sad news was coming out the The Donnas camp. Drummer Torry Castellano has been forced to retire her craft due to medical problems involving her shoulder and arms.

For anyone who follows The Donna’s closely like I do this came as a mild shock. Torry’s arm problems prevented her from touring with the band last year and have given her grief for some time. Despite many attempts to repair her arm surgically and through physical therapy, it was decided that the safest option would be to simply stop.

In a farewell letter to her fans on the band’s website she writes:

As I am still in pain, my doctors have come to the conclusion that I cannot play the drums anymore because if I continue I will be in pain for the rest of my life. After much thought and many conversations with the other girls I have decided I have to retire. My retirement has brought me a lot of sadness because I love playing the drums and being a part of the Donnas’ family, which of course includes all of you.

The Donnas began in 1993 when Torry and the girls (Bret Anderson, Maya Ford and Allison Robertson) were 13 years old. Since then they have had several hit albums and singles, toured all over the world and launched their very own record label, Purple Feather.

Torry’s leaving the band brings up the obvious question as to who will fill the permanent seat for the rock band. No news of that yet.

The Donnas have been one of my favorite rock bands for many years and now my favorite member is stepping down. It is a sad day for rock music, people. A sad day.

To read the full letter from Torry visit the home page of TheDonnas.com

Share |

The first midnight screening of a movie I can recall attending was for Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones.

I remember it being a big deal because midnight screenings were seldom heard of.  If it was being screened at midnight before its release date then it was probably a highly anticipated movie of epic proportions. 

A few weeks ago I learned that they were holding midnight screenings for some movies whose names escape me at the moment. You see? That’s how anticipated they were. I remember seeing that there was no line for one of the films.

I even attended one and there must have been like 15 people in the theatre including me and my date.

Why are run of mill films getting treatment of epic films the like of Star Wars, Harry Potter, The Matrix and Twilight?

This recent decision to allow just about every movie coming out a midnight screening is ridiculous. It takes away from the exclusivity of seeing a movie at midnight. Its makes it less fun.

If they are holding midnight screenings for Marmaduke and Get Him To The Greek, which are not epic movies by any normal understanding then what’s the point of even holding a midnight screening?

I’ve been called a movie snob and it may be true, but it’s only because I appreciate the standards of life. you have to have limits. You can’t go all willy-nilly giving everyone fair opportunities and sharing the spotlight. How will anyone shine if we all get some of the glow?

Then you know what we have? Communists.

Checkmate.

I am a freakin genius!!! I have done it! The best thing in the history of the world!!

A few weeks ago I purchased two Tostino’s cheese pizzas by mistake while hoarding the pepperoni pizzas at Wal-Mart at 1 a.m. and nabbed two plain jane cheese pies in the sweep.  I have made my way through all the delicious styles of Tostino’s in my freezer and then something happened. I was looking for something to have for dinner and at the bottom of my freezer was small bag of 6 pizza rolls. Logic kicked in.

Out my hunger and boredom a beautiful and magical dance occurred in my kitchen. I invented the very delectable Pizza Roll Pizza!

Friends, it’s exactly how it sounds. I took 6 pizza rolls and placed them on a cheese freezer pizza. Preheated the oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit and then placed the Frankenstein of culinary brilliance in.

This has to my greatest food invention since the Ultimate Hors d’oeuvre. What was the UHD you ask?

Only one of my better moments where I took a cocktail sausage, a potato chip with dip, a cheese cube, a slice of 3 different types of deli meats, a deviled egg, a tortilla chip and sitting on a single Pringle while all pierced by one toothpick to keep them together.

I was shunned for my creation and most innovators are but rest assured that the Ultimate Hors d’oeuvre and the Pizza Roll Pizza will have their time in the spotlight and when the world becomes bored with its mundance selection of entrees and snacks my two precious “monsters” will reign supreme!

SUPREME!

So just for the record, here’s what you need.

One Tostino’s Cheese Pizza
Six Tostino’s Pizza Rolls

Place them in an oven that’s been heated to 400 Deg. for about 15 minutes and then let cool once out.

You won’t regret it!

I have known a lot of twins in my life. They aren’t that rare, in fact 1 in 33 mothers will give birth to twins. Here’s another fact about twins that may or may not have been made up to serve this blog post, a lot of times there is a cute twin and an ugly twin. Unless you’re talking about Tara Reid’s boob job in which case, they are both ugly twins.

But here’s a prime example of what I mean:

Ashley (Left) = Cute Twin
Mary Kate (Right) = Ugly Twin

See, stuff like that. So it’s no surprise when this summer produced a few twin movies that there were good looking twins and not so good looking counterparts.

Our first pair are kind of the same type of movie. Military bad asses use their training to get out of trouble. The A-Team (June 11) and The Expendables (Aug 13) both look pretty similar but I’m excited about one more than the other. My vote goes to The Expendables only because of its massive collection of action heroes ranging from Sylvester Stallone to Jet Li and its bonus cameos from Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis. The A-team looks equally awesome but I worry it may be too much of a reboot to be good and it may taint the historic glory of the TV show it’s based on. My final prediction: The Expendables is the good twin but see them both!

The other set of twins in cinema are the romantic comedy duo films, Killers and Knight & Day (June 25).  Killers stars cougar poacher Aston Kutcher and the irritating Kathrine Heigl as our rom-com duo. Based on the fact that she is so annoying to me I don’t look forward to seeing that movie. Also it just looks as awesome as The Proposal.

Knight and Day will undoubtedly be far superior to it’s opponent since it stars Cameron Diaz and the legendary Tom Cruise.  Both movies deal with pretty girls who meet men who are on the run from the secret agencies they used to work for and have mixed innocent ladies up in their mess somehow. Based on the trailers and the cast I’d say go see Knight & Day and if you have difficulty with common motor skills, go see Killers. My final prediction: Knight & Day is the good twin!

Come back next Thursday for another Movie blog!!

During the Memorial Day Weekend I was sitting by the pool with my Uncle Dave and among the various discussions we were having, from strippers to music to the damned world we as a collective are leaving behind for future generations, we eventually on the topic Summer.

My uncle explained how he loathed Summer and enjoyed Winters; being from Wyoming that makes sense but to me Summer is the best.

He asked why and I thought about it a bit more after were done talking and there are three reasons why I love summer in Arizona.

1) I Wish They All Could Be Arizona

When the heat goes up here in the desert it seems to melt away clothes that cover the ladies who reside within our crock pot of sweat. there is nothing greater than driving to get gas and seeing a scantily clad ladies at the pump or walking around. Why do you think Arizona car accident numbers go up in the summer? That’s right… illegal immigrants.

If you noticed the ASU flag….. you really shouldn’t be here.

2) Fun In The Sun

I say there are more fun things to do in the summer than there are in the winter. Sure people like skiing and snow boarding and all that…. shit. But me? I love summer activities a bit more. Besides swimming there are water parks, sweet glorious water parks! But most places have water parks, Arizona has the super cool Salt River. Salt river tubing is a great way to experience all our fair state has to offer. Drunk hot chicks who’ll flash you for a beer and jackasses.

3) …Stay Out Of The Kitchen

Is it just me or is there something cool about living in a place that reaches temperatures of 120 degrees Fahrenheit and that people who are visiting our fair state die from the straining amount heat? Granted death is not funny but if can’t handle the heat….

Robert DeNiro and Val Kilmer in HEAT

So after some time here’s what we know:

-No one knows her.

-She doesn’t respond to messages.

-Contrary to her profile, she did not attend Buckeye Union High School to graduate in 2008. (Thank you, Dustin Johnson, P.I.)

Given this new information it’s safe to say she’s not even a real person. It’s more than likely one of those fake profiles designed to draw people to a website of some kind. The thing I can’t wrap my finger around is why she’s ONLY friends with people from BUHS. That is the part that grinds my gears.

OH WELL! I guess we’ll never know.

OH! As for the Virus Theory.
I didn’t think I had to explain this but you can’t get a virus from accepting someone to be your friend on Facebook. Since we’re having this talk I guess I should also probably clear up the fact that vampires are not real. FYI.

A few days ago I received a Friend Request on Facebook from a person named Vivian Payne. As is standard with people I see on Facebook I check to see if the newbie knows anyone I know.

After going through Miss Payne’s profile, I found that she was friends with about 7 people I know and she was a graduate of my alma mater Buckeye Union High School’s class of ‘08.

Buckeye is not that big, so chances are I know someone she is related to or dated or perhaps she knows my sisters since my sisters are currently in high school. Either way, I accepted her friendship request and kind of wondered who she was.

Then recently, I was asked if I knew who she was and I didn’t. So I, in turn, asked some people who were friends in common with Vivian Payne if they knew her. They responded the same way.

“I thought you knew who she was.”

Well I don’t! In fact, no one seems to know who Vivian Payne is, yet 21 of my fellow Buckeye Hawks Alum have approved her request for FACEBOOK friendship because they thought that someone they know knew her!

So if you are reading this and you know who Vivian Payne is, let me know so we can throw a party and invite her as the guest of honor!

WHO ARE YOU VIVIAN!?!?